hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
