Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
