I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
