I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
