I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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