I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I need to calm my uterus...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
