Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
there's paper in my vomit.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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