I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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