The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
