I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
only if we run a train.
done.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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