i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
