It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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