Betty ford says i'm here all night
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
