Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
