I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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