when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
