nutella sex= disaster
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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