Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize