if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
