We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
