Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
