it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize