good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
