Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
