The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
