There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
