i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
