i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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