I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
