I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
