Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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