You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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