I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
