i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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