Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Your dad touched me again.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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