How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Randomize
