i'm signing you up for texting rehab
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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