come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
