Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize