i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
