if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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