I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
