No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
