Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
