I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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