I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
