either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You can't motorboat a personality
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize