Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
