im six kinds of drunk right now
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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