The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
