you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
