Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
