I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
