Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
